Anthony, the curator of this blog, is a god amongst men.
He’s a captain amongst sailors. A titan amongst weaklings. A genius amongst idiots. A master amongst morons. A swimmer amongst those that are entirely landlocked. A fabulous dancer amongst those with no rhythm.
Anthony is a legend in a world of nobodies.
He’s a published author (pick up his horror thriller, Stay Awhile, right here). He’s a caring uncle. He’s got a body that won’t quit. He’s known worldwide as the Movie Man. Like Simba, he laughs in the face of danger.
Perhaps most importantly, he’s a friend amongst enemies.
Anthony has led a life that most wouldn’t believe possible, and I’ve been lucky enough to be around since we first met during summer orientation before starting college at SUNY New Paltz about 10 years ago.
In the years since that fateful first meeting, we’ve accomplished many feats. Too many feats to list. Oh, the feats we’ve accomplished. And I know we’ll accomplish more feats in the coming seconds, minutes, hours, days, weeks, months, years, and decades.
Happy 30th birthday, Anthony. Here’s to 30 more, and only 30 more. You will die at 60 years old.
Now let’s see what some of Anthony’s friends have to say about the man, the myth, the legend:
Eric Lewis – Anthony is a good man. A decent man. A sexual man. Some may call him an “animal.” Others may call him a “beast.” We can all agree that he isn’t human. He is something better than human. Happy birthday to that sexy beast!
John Miller– Dickie? Didn’t we lock him in a dumpster once?
Bryan Ellison – Anthony who?
Matthew Horney – Happy 30th you dried up stinky d***licker!
Sara Egosi – Anthony is equally as fun and a good time as he is sensitive and compassionate towards others. Happy birthday!
Salley Kafko – Happy birthday Anthony! I can’t remember a college party where you weren’t there by our side! I hope you have an incredible day and that all your dreams come true!
Rebecca “Bex” Kafko – Anthony dancing + Coldplay = EPIC. Happy birthday, I hope you dance to some of your favorite tunes!
Lauren Scher – Happy 30th birthday to the best raptor that impersonates Arnold Schwarzenegger I know!
Harri Woliner – In college, Anthony once saw a girl having trouble getting into our dorm hall, so he pops out his key card and shouts “I will save your day!,” opens the door and says “I have saved your day!” I was dying of laughter, because it was super funny and out of character. Another time, Anthony said to me “action figures were a big part of me,” and I thought he meant physically, like his body was made out of toys. Anyway, long story short, happy birthday Anthony!
Dan ‘Danger’ Bohn – Amongst Anthony’s many great attributes, such as his humility, kindness and unassuming boyish personality, there are others that only his closest companion know of, which I would like to share with the world:
His tuna, which is second best; his tremendous pecs, which pop with such power that no T-shirt is safe from being ripped apart at their mercy; a testicle which hangs so low it mirrors the fruit which Eve plucked from the forbidden tree of knowledge against God’s will; a chiseled chin that is passed over with an electric razor upwards of 20,000 strokes per day before being unleashed upon the world in all its stern glory; an erect penis so firm it is able to withstand the weight of a tremendous winter blanket and provide air circulation to his crotch and gooch so not so much as a single bead of sweat slips down his crack; and lastly, calf muscles so strong his heels have never once touched the ground us mere mortals walk upon.
Anthony may be turning 30, and he may have become a successful grown man with a wad of hundreds and some magnum condoms ready to plow, but he will always be Dick to me. Happy Birthday, Dick!
John Anthony Mark Mingione III –
Anthony never really liked me. Perhaps in the early years of New Paltz he was more fond…but as time went on it was clear that he was often annoyed by my existence, in general.
Despite this knowledge, I still love Anthony wholeheartedly and wish him a tremendous and robust birthday-morning-erection. Anthony has had some IMPRESSIVE morning erections in his day (that we’ve all seen!) – I fully expect that his 30th year will be his largest year 🍆. Anthony sleeps on his back, which truly gives his morning hog the air it needs to expand to its maximum capacity. It’s just science.
Anthony is a man of honor. He’s ripped off more of his own clothes than any stripper ever has – even that stripper who banged Dan the night of his bachelor party! 🙊
Anthony’s charm can light up a room and his piano playing will make all the girls in a close proximity wet to the touch. He dances like no ones watching, he dinosaurs better than Jeff Goldblum, and his pubic Bush is better trimmed than Mikey’s man-perm.
He’s a force to be reckoned with, and he’s a hell of a guy. I’m excited to celebrate soon and cheers to 30. Happy Birthday Anthony “The Dick” Dickman. 🎉🌭🌭🌭🎉💯🍆💜💜💜
Logan Crawford – Happy birthday to the only guy I know who is cooler than Seth Cohen.
Ryan Choumane – I hate you.
Maria Passanant – Happy Birthday Anthony! I will forever be thankful for that thoughtful bowl of Honey Nut Cheerios. Hope you have an amazing day.
“The Quad” from PH2 – Happy 30th big baby, bring back the Walking Dead recaps!
Michael S. Horney – Anthony, you will live on in my memory forever, as I often ponder my role in the car trunk, Mikey’s naked, exposed PENIS, while Phyllis, despite the shock and inappropriateness, continued filming until Mikey in his horror slammed the trunk shut. Your expression, perhaps only a nano second, was “priceless.” Happy birthday!
Kristina Cartwright – Happy Birthday Anthony! You’re officially old. Wish we could rewind time and go back to New Paltz.
Aaron Bennett – Tony. You’re a gentleman AND a scholar. In the biz we call that a double threat. Keep up the good work. Happy birthday.
Finally, last and also least, Mikey Ouimet:
Great dick, better man. Anthony has blessed this earth now for 3 decades. I have had the pleasure of knowing this specimen of a human being for just one. I thank God (the real one, Ben) for every one of those days I have spent with such a great, great man that is Anthony. I wish the happiest of birthdays to you Anthony, you dirty dirty old man.
5/10 on the writing, 3/10 on subject matter, would read again
Thank you Donkycock!
Hilarious post Ben! What a name, Donkycock. As my response to everyone’s feelings here it goes: Eric Lewis – You’re right, I’m a sexy beast, baby! John Miller – You were always jealous of the fact that I swooped into the New Paltz crew after you left, signifying my place as one of the greats. Bryan Ellison – I don’t expect anything else from Bryan, he’s the kind of guy that comes off as a dick, but deep down is a great guy and fun to hang out with. Matthew Horney – I had fun times with you and your crew during the PH2 era: all the crazy penthouse parties, Santa Con, 21 cup, power hours, and Saint Patty’s Day drunken adventures. Congrats on both becoming a husband and a father. You’ll always be better than Ben. Sara Egosi – What can I say? You were always very sweet and caring, like a cousin. Congrats on the wedding and having a baby. Salley Kafko – I think I was more than just some guy that was at every party, we had some awesome times together in New Paltz and post college in Port Jefferson and NYC. Hope to see you soon you beautiful woman. Rebecca “Bex” Kafko – That Coldplay groove will never fade. Another beauty, there’s too many memories to even recall of all the times we danced together drunk in some club, bar, a penthouse, on the streets of New Paltz, Ben’s backyard, and at Belmont. Lauren Scher – “Get to da choppa!” You know it Lauren. But play Words With Friends with me! How many times do I have to invite you!? Harrison Woliner – We had some hilarious times as roommates in Sophomore year. I miss you man. We need to hang out soon, it’s been too long. But you need to chill out! Dan Bohn – You’re probably the funniest guy I’ve ever known. There’s never a time that I’m with you where I’m not cracking in my bulge (because of my huge cock). However, no way is my tuna second best. You know how to win challenges, but I’m the real talent. Minas Tirith. Mingy – You could not be anymore correct in that first statement. Regardless of the extreme annoying factor, you know how to liven up a room with your over-the-top personality. Also, making those videos and New Paltz Critics were very fun, although, I’d like bigger parts, maybe in the future. Morning coffee? Logan Crawford – I feel like I see you everyday there’s a new story on News 12. Seriously though, when are you going to report on ‘Stay Awhile’? Ryan Choumane – Say what you want, but you owe me your life after I saved your drunken ass from being mauled by a taxi in the middle of a NYC street. Also, you look like a giant bird, shut up bird! Maria Passanant – I can’t believe you remember the Honey Nut Cheerios. We should hang out soon. Keep writing and listening to Coldplay. “The Quad” from PH2 – You guys were everything I wanted to be after college, living the life baby! Hopefully there will be a few more adventures with you hooligans. Thanks for supporting the blog. And Tom, your Dad says hello. Michael S. Horney – You are a hilarious man. A man with seemingly superpowers as you have the ability to hypnotize, conjure magic, and provide the greatest back medical services. Dr. Horney, I had a feeling something was up when you mentioned something was wrong with my tires. There was a random screw by my tires which made no sense, hilarious diversion tactic Dad. Kristina Cartwright – I’m not old, but New Paltz was a great time of our lives. Aaron Bennett – You’re a great man, and we had some great times bonding as swimmer pals. Swimmers for life. Mikey Ouimet – Every great time during New Paltz and beyond comes down to you and Ben. BAM for life baby! We always bicker, but I love you and Frank. Ben Horney – Another member of the epic BAM, you’re a brother from another mother. Now you’re contributing to Media Is Punk, it’s awesome. Love you too.