I’m trapped beneath my layers of skin. Caught between the thicket of procrastination. Why do the things I need to create a positive future have to feel like pushing a behemoth boulder off the edge of a mountain? A mountain that I’m still trying to climb to the summit of. The gas to fuel my motivation needs to reignite my willpower. My lack of motivation is something that needs to be defined in top 10 countdown lists, something you would read after a Google search while listening to Enya’s New Age track. A Celtic concert hymns and orchestras harmonize in my ears. Why have I chose this ballad for this hour? It’s making me feel depressed like I can’t go on. Like I know that I have a problem. Or maybe this is all in my head? I have the ability to tell myself that I can succeed while also telling myself that I cannot. My accomplishments in the past don’t mean anything to me anymore.
How to achieve satisfaction. Thousands of people can say that I’m talented or worthy, but if I’m not physically moving forward anywhere in life than it is not an achievement in my eyes. It is just another detour, a watery mud puddle along the path to my future. However, no matter the brutal path that stands before me, if I do not take action, I will remain glued to this screen sitting my ass on the same cheap leather desk chair, stuck living home and never moving out, encased in eternal mind prison.
I want to be free and want to soar and become the real person that I know I have the potential to be. I just wish life wasn’t so difficult. Why can’t things just be easy for once? Why is everything always a struggle? I was a happy and energetic child with millions of miles of hope until the real world devoured it. There are parts of my evolution that I am grateful for and others I regret. Things I am grateful for is the ability to be comfortable in my own skin and to be more honest without feeling afraid to admit the truth even if it might be ugly. Also I’ve learned to deal with abusive people, both in the aggressive and passive manner. Above all else I been able to conquer many fears, not all of them, but in the sense face what I have feared knowing in the moment how much I trembled or how fast my heart was pulsating. True bravery comes from those who can conquer the things that scare them the most. The irony of bravery in my case is that I would rather write and finish another novel then spend another minute attempting to draft a cover letter for a potential job opening. Rejection scares me more than jumping off an 18 foot cliff into a body of mysterious waters. During this entry I been grinding between my teeth cheddar cheese baked snack crackers called, Whales which are a cheap knock off of Goldfish or Cheez-It. Why? Because I’m nervous, anxious, angry, disappointed, sad, nostalgic, lonely and sexually frustrated. Also because my mom bought it from the dollar store.
I’ve decided to change my tunes to Rick Astley. Yes I’m Rick Rolling myself and that’s because I want to be brought back to an era of history where life was more carefree, fun, and happy. The 80’s were a mere crumb in the span of my life, but it represents what was once innocent in my youth. I went off topic, whoops!
Things I regret in my evolution is the increased unforgiving brutal mentality I’ve built up in my image. Because of the walls I placed around my edges filled with fire, cannonballs, and force fields I have limited myself to the intimacy I could have with women. I have been around several attractive females and friends in my life. However, their beautiful appearances has caused me to act distant or “anti-social”. Female beauty is my Kryptonite. I try to encompass a hard exterior and imitate a brooding agent like James Bond or cowboy like Clint Eastwood’s Dirty Harry. Internally, I am just as scared and confused about life as everyone else. I don’t have a clue what the hell I’m doing. I just hope that I’m making the right decisions. Sometimes I may not possess a clear head, but that’s because I’m only human. We all feel emotions. One specific emotion that I have felt last year was “hate”. But I have learned to suppress this emotion over time because I understood that some people have no compassion. I may have said some horrible things but I am justified in those actions because I would rather be bluntly honest with someone then stab them in the back through long purges of lying. Those I have said hurtful things to, I am sorry. I also forgive myself so that I can move on and focus on my own life.
Strong willpower will create imaginary wings and lift us off the ground. No matter what the ailments that bind us, we will always prevail so long as we can take a positive lesson from it. Mistakes and bumps in the road is what really molds us into greater men. Maybe life was always this challenging so that when the time comes we will be ready to face things head on and conquer the odds. “Whatever doesn’t kill you, makes you stronger,” they say.
No matter how much I feel like someone caught between layers, I will eventually break loose. I’m just a caterpillar waiting to sprout his wings out of his cocoon shell. I will escape and when I do the world will see my capabilities and show respect. From now I take upon the reins of my own responsibility and do the things I must not out of fear or duty, but because I have the ability to accomplish them. My name is Anthony Vecchiarello and I’m a creative artist. I hope you can take something positive from this entry and heal your own internal wounds.