By Anthony Vecchiarello
Thor, Horse Racing and Ice Cream
Last night’s episode of Conan began with Conan O’Brien at the horse racing track in Santa Anita Park outside of Los Angeles. Conan was not betting on the race but calling it. Either way, this was going to be a hilarious embarrassment. At the top of the stadium, inside the announcer’s box, Conan was receiving some tips from Trevor Denman, a South African-American sportscaster who has been calling for over 40 years. Trevor is well known for the phrase “And away they go…” Conan had 25 minutes to master 40 years of perfection. Trevor told Conan to come up with his own catchphrases and begin studying the racehorse list. Conan yelled out a few possible phrases in an old-fashion accent like, “Pop goes the weasel,” “It’s a pony party,” and “Chicken Stu is on the boil.” Trevor just shook his head to all of them. Conan then read aloud the racehorse names and colors like Blue Collar Boy with red colors, Public Defender, Sarangani in blue, Alydidit in yellow, and Knucklebuster in orange. Trevor told Conan that Public Defender was probably not going to win, but that Blue Collar Boy might. Conan attempted to associate the names with the colors of the horses or the jockeys by saying that when you’re feeling blue you want to punch something, so it would be red for Blue Collar Boy. When Conan thought of Knucklebuster he thought of the color orange for Knuckles from Sonic: The Hedgehog, even though he’s red. Alydidit is like she had a bathroom accident so yellow would be the color of urine, Conan said. And when Conan read about Sarangani in the brochure, it said he “likes green cock.”
Then Trevor admitted that celebrities come to the horse races and it’s his job to announce them. Conan wanted to make up his own celebrities like yelling out, “Here’s the nine Apollo 11 Astronauts.” Conan interviewed a few older ladies who have been going to horse races since they were young. They mentioned a celebrity who visits the horse tracks named Jimmy the Hat. Conan replied that whenever someone has “hat” added to a nickname they usually have a weapon and stuff bodies into trunks. As Conan said this, the actual Jimmy the Hat walked past him and waved. Conan added, “He forgot to bury the bodies.” Back in the caller box, Trevor said the broadcast for the horse races gets heard from around the globe; from America, to South America, England, France, and Western Europe. So Conan had nothing to worry about. Conan began speaking into the microphone. Audience members in the stadium turned to look as they heard the strangest announcement ever. Conan started announcing literal things about the race. Like the white fence at the starting line and a plug for his show, “Make sure to watch ‘Conan’ weeknights at 11/10c on TBS,” he yelled. When the sound for the bell blew for the race, Conan got really into it. Conan spoke a mile-a-minute saying things that were mostly gibberish. Conan said the jocks have their bottoms high in the air and the phrase, “Pancakes on the griddle.” The race turned into a close heat between Blue Collar Boy and Knucklebuster, with Knucklebuster winning by a nose hair. Conan ended his announcement with “hippie hip hooray.” Then Conan whispered to Trevor that they need to get out fast before the audience attacks him.
Back in the studio, Conan revealed that actor Chris Hemsworth from Thor the Dark World, comedian Marc Maron and musical artist Gavin DeGraw were in attendance. Conan and Andy Richter showed the ending to an up-and-coming movie about Noah and his ark. Conan stated the churches were in an uproar when they saw the ending. The clip showed a chubby Noah eating all the animals inside the ark. Noah’s wife was disgusted. Conan admitted that was the worst ending to a movie. “I don’t think that was in the book,” Andy Richter added. There were also no known actors in it. Conan then apologized to the audience, “That was a stupid waste of everyone’s time,” he shouted.
Conan then indulged his importance in trying to get the most followers on He is succeeding with Facebook, Twitter, and Google+ but he wants to be “the king of LinkedIn,” he said. Conan has done everything to his profile picture like dressing for a German club, standing next to President Bill Clinton, President George H.W. Bush, and President Theodore Roosevelt while wearing funny red fedoras and standing in the palm of Pope Francis’ hand. On LinkedIn, Conan almost had 76,000 followers. Conan was thrilled when he saw he had more followers than the former producer of The Tonight Show with Conan O’Brien at NBC. The audience chanted. He then looked at some of the ones with more followers like David Evans who is a Chief Futurist. Conan and Andy did not know what a futurist is; does it even exist? Another profile was a woman with around 80,000 followers who seemed to be wearing Randy Savage’s “Macho Man” hat. Follow Conan’s profile and feed his “bottomless ego” at
Thor or Chris Hemsworth then came out matching Conan’s height and stature. Conan showed a clip of a trailer from the new Thor film, Thor the Dark World, where Chris as Thor is speaking in a nasally voice. Conan just dubbed Chris’ voice with his own. Chris was a good sport about it though. Chris then told Conan that he’s heard the same Thor joke over about 300 times from people. Chris began telling the joke and said, “Thor meets this young maiden, they sleep with one another and have a wonderful night. The next morning, Thor says, ‘You know Fair maiden I must confess and tell you who I am, I’m Thor.’ And she says, ‘You’re Thor, I can hardly walk.’” After a long pause the drummer from Jimmy Vivino and the Basic Cable Band banged on the snare drum as the punch line. There was some comical fan artwork of Thor that Conan showed the audience such as Thoreal-Paris, Thor De France, Pas-Thor and Vic-Thoria’s Secret. Chris then told a story about a kid dressed up as Thor at the airport. When his mother pointed out Chris and said it was Thor, the kid laughed and replied, “no way.” Chris then dissed Thor by making fun of the fact that he chooses a hammer over a sword or another sharp weapon.
Before acting, Chris was a waiter and quite possibly the worst waiter, Chris believes. As a waiter, Chris one time spilled a plate of hot gravy on a man’s bald head. Chris would also forget the order and where the bathroom was located in the restaurant. Now as an actor and as playing Thor he has to find ways of kissing Natalie Portman. Natalie Portman plays Jane Foster in the Thor movies and is also a foot shorter than Chris; Chris being 6 ft., 3 inches and Natalie Portman only being 5 ft., 3 inches. In one kissing scene they would make Natalie Portman stand on a box. For the second movie, Thor the Dark World, they built a ramp for her when she and Chris had to walk up to each other to embrace for a kiss. Conan then explained that for short male actors in the ’30s like Alan Ladd, they would have actresses stand in trenches during kissing scenes. Chris then jokingly stated that he used to stand in trenches for film or do wide stances. Chris then showed a clip from Thor the Dark World where Thor and his brother Loki (played by Tom Hiddleston) are in an aircraft trying to escape from the enemies while bickering. The scene was shot inside a built spaceship set with a green screen behind Chris and Tom. The clip really demonstrated their chemistry.
Comedian Marc Moran visited Conan to promote his IFC TV series Maron and his stand-up comedy special Thinky Pain on Netflix. Marc has known Conan since he began with Late Night. Marc made numerous appearances at Late Night with Conan O’Brien. He also moved to California around the same time that Conan moved his show from Late Night with Conan O’Brien to The Tonight Show with Conan O’Brien. It was recently Marc’s 50th birthday. Marc is content with his age, but his problem is when he’s driving in Los Angeles. After about 20 minutes of driving, Marc will be furious. Marc admitted it’s his “rage sanctuary.” Marc then continued to say that everyone in Los Angeles are so laid back because they all release their anger and frustration while driving and during traffic. Marc also gets angry when he finds out that the traffic was for nothing after it disperses. Conan and Marc agreed that they would want to at least see a few downed vehicles or a helicopter. Andy would like to see a downed truck full of oranges, “A highway full of citrus,” he said.
Marc then ranted about his war with ice cream. Marc admitted, “Ice cream is for adult shame and fun for children.” The first stage of the war is when he is home and about to go to sleep. Something inside of him then tells him to go to the supermarket to buy a pint of ice cream. In the second part, he convinces himself to eat only a half pint. However, he winds up eating double and leaves the remainder in the freezer. The third time is when he goes and eats the ice cream over the sink like a pig leaving two spoonfuls left. Then, when he finally thinks he’s done and about to sleep, he decides to finish the rest of the ice cream. After, he rewards himself with masturbation. Marc also has an issue with finishing vanilla ice cream. If he has a half pint of vanilla left he will go out and get more Ben & Jerry’s ice cream. After Marc said “masturbation” two more times, Conan stopped him and said, “I just wanted to know how you’re doing.” Catch Thinky Pain on Netflix. Also Season 2 of Maron premieres early in 2014.
Musical guest Gavin DeGraw performed a new song from his new album, Make a Move. Gavin wore his signature fedora hat and suit. It sounded much like every other Gavin DeGraw song, about the love he has for a woman. Gavin has recently kicked off his American tour.
Watch Conan weeknights 11/10c on TBS.

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